My Story
End of Life Doula & Caregiver Support
I sang to my father throughout the night he died on June 23, 2013.
He had been through 18 months of cancer treatments and our family was preparing to say goodbye. He had spent these months doing his best to solve problems and give lasting advice. He was comfortable talking about his life and death, and he said he wasn’t afraid. A couple of weeks before he died, he brought our family together in the kitchen one night to tell us what he wanted at his funeral - each of us would have a role. Through our tears, we made our promises to him. His message to us throughout these months was “all there is, is love.”
Toward the end, we gathered in our family home to care for him. We moved him to a hospital bed on the first floor in the living room - the grandkids ran in and out often to say hello. Life continued all around him as we gave him medicine for his pain, rubbed his feet and talked with him. His doctor visited daily to provide hospice care but we didn’t want or understand the value of having help. We wanted privacy and a sense of control. We muddled through, really struggling at times. We made mistakes.
I'd learned that hearing is the last sense to go and I didn’t want him to feel alone or scared for one moment. I sensed he was close to dying, so I began to sing. I sang every James Taylor song that we had sung together over the years. The next morning, surrounded by his family, he left this world hearing the Shema, the most holy Hebrew prayer, over and over again, as loudly as we could.
Later that day, the five young grandchildren spontaneously created a shrine on a table in the living room where his hospital bed had been. His glasses, his “Menemsha Army” helmet, his dog tags and stones from the beach. At the funeral, the children saluted his coffin and my younger brother gave the eulogy. I sang at his graveside as he had asked me to do. I didn’t realize it then, but those moments were important rituals that helped me to heal.
After he died, it took me over a decade to become an End of Life Doula – I’m still singing.
